You know what really steams my clams, bakes my noodle, coddles my infant? Cellular phones. Why? Because they turn people into raging assholes and ruin perfectly good movies, conversations, music and silence. People barely even use them for their intended purpose any more. Cell phones have become more of a vanity item than anything. It's all about how small my phone is, what ring tones I can get, and what other useless shit I can get this little piece of plastic that is constantly fixiated to my hand to do.

Back to my previous statement about how people become maniacle bastards when talking on their phones. Today I when I was at work(which is what sparked this long overdue rant), a girl walked up in line mindlessly chattering away on her phone. I put on my gloves and asked her what she would like. After repeating myself several times I am told what type of meat and what kind of bread she wants. I bump on down the line to the vegetables so full of iron and other vital nutrients. After once again repeating myself several times she tells me to wait, meanwhile there are about six people in line behind her. I wanted to take a plastic bag and hold it over her head until I squeezed the air out of her lungs and ever last bit of life writhed and kicked out of her.

Then later when we were closing I took out garbage. We have this little dumpster on wheels and I'll admit, it can be loud. So I'm taking it out and making noise when this dude on his cell phone yells at me telling me to keep it down. I was like, "What the fuck? It's a mobile phone, go be mobile you mother fucker."

I don't normally carry a vendetta against portable electronic devices, but this is going to far. And on another note, I'm getting tired of people complaining about being broke all the time and how they haven't eaten in two days, yet they can still afford a cell phone bill every month. Unless you're a doctor or someone that needs to be gotten a hold of right away, you don't need a cell phone.

I took Jim to the airport yesterday. He boarded his plane and just as I began riding the escalator down to the first floor I felt a rumblin' in my bowels. So naturally I found my way to the restrooms. I'd never defecated in this particular airport before so this was particularly special.

I walked into the first stall on my left. I pulled down the paper toilet seat cover and placed it on the toilet seat. I undid my pants and sat down. Just as my first loaf touched into the water a pilot walked into the stall next to me. I could tell he was a pilot because I saw the gold fringe on his sleeves through the cracks in the door. He sat down and proceeded to join me.

I heard the sound of an anus ripping open and what sounded like a bowl of clam chowder being thrown into a pool. It was very distinct sound that still rings in my ears. Then came the pungeant, olfactory raping scent. It carried with it little demons that swarmed and devoured my thalamus. I had to escape.

I quickly stood up and began to try and grasp adequate toilet paper, but the toilet paper only came one single ply square by one single ply square. The caustic odor tore through my nostrils whiff after trembling whiff. I couldn't take it any more. I quickly wiped with the four squares I had managed to grab as I pulled up my pants up and bolted out of the stall to the sink. The smell was even worse outside the stall as my throat swelled and breathing became labored. I tried quickly to wash my hands, but I couldn't because of the motion sensors turning on and off.

I couldn't take it any more and I squished my way out of the bathroom. After I got home an hour later, I hopped in the shower. And it would appear, due to the heat and my own feces, I had developed a rash.

Goddamn pilots...

When I'm not pit fighting and/or causing the humidity levels in women's panties to increase, I like to read the news. Upon the reading of such news I occasionally like to comment on the aforementioned news of which I've stated many times before. The news story I read was rather interesting and can be found here.

It was about Tiktaalik or as I like to refer to it, limbed fish. It had almost the same bones in it's fins that are common in the forearms of most land animals today. It had a collar bone giving it an extended neck to help breath air and ontop of that, made guacamole. Apparantly, Tiktaalik is the bridge between fish and land animals that lived 375 million years ago. From it evolved practically all land animals including humans. It filled in a very important gap in the fossil record which is often used to support the theory of intelligent design, because other than proving people wrong, what else is science good for?

For those of you who aren't in the 'know'. I am employed by the Subway corporation of America. I make sandwiches. Some are six inches and some are nearly twelve. They come with ham, turkey, or other various meats. I also make salads. For some reason I seem to find it infinitely amusing to ask people if they would like me to toss their salad.

Tonight folks, I'd like to talk about a serious subject. Now, I don't often like to get serious, but I feel I must. That problem my friends, is the cleft palate. The cleft lip is perhaps one of the most occurring birth defects appearing in approximately 1 out of every 700 births in America(meaning roughly .0014285% of the U.S. population will never read my blog again). While this can usually be corrected by a simple cosmetic surgery within 12 months of the birth, sometimes it can go uncorrected and cause much emotional damage and many awkward situations to those that deal with it on a day to day basis.

The people that are most afflicted by this disorder are perfectly normal human beings like you or I. We are the people that everyday are the most hurt by this defect. We are the ones that are supposed to be nice and not draw attention to it while we can't help but stare at the two front teeth where an upper lip is supposed to be. Hare lips move among us and their strength is growing.

It wasn't long ago that these...these...these FREAKS! were kept behind striped curtains at the circus and now look at it. They're walking outside and breathing fresh air as opposed to being locked up and caged. They way it should be.

Notice, exhibit A. Joaquin Phoenix, while a talented actor by all regards(and also quite a piece of ass), possesses(that's a lot of S's) a cleft palate(too many words in parentheses for one sentence?). It seems everytime I'm watching a movie I am always distracted by his upper lip. I believe it's part of the National Organization Of Cleft Palate's or NOOCL, plan to cause awkardness in mass across the world. Millions of people across the country sitting in movie theatres saying to themselves, "Don't look at it" for an hour and a half straight. Why? Because why everyone is looking off in odd directions and thinking to themselves, "Don't look at it," those possessing the hare lip, armed with a pair of common tin snips, will cleft your palate. For once the entire globe has been clefted, the most famous of all hare lips can emerge.